The Ballad of the Six Foot Rooster & The British Secret Service

Where to begin...

hmmm....

As it has been astutely said to me at one time or another, I retain in my head volumes of useless information. To be honest...there is a lot off stuff up there. In my minds' eye, I see it as one of those classic delis or your favorite laundromat. You know... where you take a number and wait till you're called. It's like that...only with cartoon folk, pop stars and movie characters.

And beer. There's gotta be beer.

A famous man once said..."I'd rather know a little about a lot of things than a lot a bout a few things." Who said that? It might have been me. Well...me or Foghorn Leghorn. I get the two of us mixed up sometimes. I can count the times, on at least one hand, that I've been confused with a 6 foot cartoon rooster. It happens.

When all else fails...start with what's at the front of the line...

Bond. James Bond.

For those who don't know, I'm a bit of an aficionado. I've seen the all movies (official and unofficial) multiple times, read most of the books (all of the Fleming, some of the Gardner)...you know...the usual fanboy schtick. The reason Bond is at the front of the line is due to the recent film Casino Royale. Excellent film. Very well done. Almost surprisingly so. Surprisingly, because it was made by the same folks who made the previous entry in the series Die Another Day. This film is my least favorite of all Bonds. A lot of peeople like this movie because they think it represents what Bond is. Not so. True, It starts out promising by trying to humanize Bond, then makes him a supporting character in his own movie. There's also waaay too much CGI. And don't get me started on the invisible car. I can suspend disbelief only so far. I...I...

See what I mean...fanboy.

Sigh.

However, for those who are interested...I know you're out there...Here is my list of best to worst of the Bond films:

• 1. Goldfinger-Just the right amount of gadgets, a great villain & Connery has hit his stride. Plus, Oddjob's lethal Bowler, a dead girl painted gold and the ever present Pussy Galore. Created the formula that most films after copied in one way or another.

• 2. From Russia With Love-Very much like the book. A time capsule of the Cold War. Plus...Rosa Klebb has a knife...IN HER SHOE!!! Genius! Plus Robert Shaw before he chased sharks and, in my opinion, the hottest of all Bond girls.

• 3. On Her Majesty's Secret Service-Also like the book. The only outing of George Lazenby (who actually does quite well), Diana Rigg (yes, please.), Telly Savalas and a huge downer ending. What's not to love? Also, this was the book my mother was reading while in the hospital hatching yours truly. Or was that Foghorn? Dammit!

• 4. Dr. No- a simple film. Not too flashy or fantastic. Bond is little more than a Private Eye in this one. Well crafted and iconic. Plus...there's Ursula Andress....

• 5. Casino Royale-Very much in the spirit of the Fleming books. More than most of the 21 "official" films. Bond was never a "pretty boy". I knew there was an anti-Craig groundswell before the film came out but I don't usually buy into those things. It was most likely started by Brosnan's press agent. I also like how, at the end, Bond earned his theme musc. Where the producers go from here is the worrisome issue.

• 6. Thunderball- Very large movie. Overly so at times but still a good Connery film. The Pacing has always been a problem for me. But it is beautifully filmed and well executed. Plus, in the pre-credits sequence, Bond has one of those cool Bell/Howell Jet Packs. When I was a kid, I thought we'd all have one of those by the year 2000. Ah, youth...

• 7. You Only Live Twice-Also large. Both in plot and scope. But I still get chills when the ninjas start descending from the volcano top. Also great wide angle fight scene on a rooftop. Crazy ambitious. Would have passed Thunderball if not for Donald Pleasence's weak Blofeld.

• 8. Live and Let Die-Not the world's most P.C. movie but no worse than Shaft or Scream Blacula Scream. Loved it when I was a kid. Geoffrey Holder's Samedi character scared the bejesus out of me. Still can't beat the McCartney theme, though.

• 9. The Spy Who Loved Me- Nice movie. Essentially the same plot as You Only Live Twice. Only without Blofeld. Painfully 70s but very solid. The Jaws character is one of the best henchman since Oddjob in Goldfinger. Really can't stand the Hamlish music, though. Also the first Bond I saw in a theater.

• 10. For Your Eyes Only- Solid Moore outing. Certainly one of his best. He's almost menacing in this. Almost. Of course, as we al know, he was evolving into the wise-cracking, gay uncle Bond.

• 11. The Living Daylights- A pretty much cookie cutter Bond. Written for Moore but, thankfully, he retired before embarassing himself much...uh...more. I like Dalton in the role. Although, I've been known to say that, at times, he looks like he's solving complex math problems in his head. Still, he didn't swagger which was certainly welcome.

• 12. The Man With The Golden Gun-It's grown on me over the years. The flying AMC Matador is a bit much. Plus, a henchman is defeated by locking him in a suitcase. Licence to Kill, indeed. More like License to mildly inconvenience. But, there are far worse entries. Trust me.

• 13. The World Is Not Enough- In my opinion, the best Brosnan Bond. A bit predictable but it has a killer extended pre-credit sequence & a solid cast. Kinda. Would have scored MUCH higher had we not been asked to accept Denise Richards as a scientist named Christmas Jones. The flying Matador was more believable.

• 14. Tomorrow Never Dies- Also a good Brosnan Bond. Some nice action scenes & stunt work. Comes a little close to making Bond a supporting character. Almost. Brosnan becomes more comfortable in the role for sure.

• 15. Goldeneye-Probably a little more solid than the two listed above but takes a few steps back for a HORRIBLE score by Eric Serra. Fingernails on a chalkboard bad. He avoided the Bond music theme like the plague (save for a few cues played on, of all things, the timpani). Another, uncredited composer had to come in & insert the theme into the tank chase. You gotta respect the history, man!

• 16. License to Kill- Bond goes Miami Vice. Promising revenge plot gets bogged down in pedestrian mid 80s trappings. Originally named the much cooler License Revoked but suffered a name change because American test groups had no idea what 'Revoked' meant. Let's hear it for the U.S. Education system!

• 17. Diamonds Are Forever-Connery's worst. The man is sleep-walking through most of it. The original "Show Me The Money" project. In addition, Charles Gray (later in Rocky Horror) as Blofeld makes the "Where's The Beef" Lady look menacing.

• 18. Moonraker-Bond in Space. Yeah. That makes sense. One of those that was good when I was a kid but is now painful to watch. Plus, writers try waaay too hard to be clever naming the Female protagonist Holly Goodhead. Also, Richard Kiel's Jaws character returns so he can become a nice guy. Awwww.....

• 19. Octopussy- Text book example of how to make a racy sounding movie as boring as Championship Solitare on ESPN 8 (The Ocho). Bond hides from the bad guys by dressing as...a circus clown! Plus, Moore is really starting to show his age. Which leads us to...

• 20. View To A Kill - Which should have been titled A group of stuntmen and, occasionally in closeup, Roger Moore as James Bond 007 in View To A Kill. Christopher Walken chews up scenery while Tanya Roberts tries not to bump into things. Used to be the absolute worst. Until...

• 21. Die Another Day- A paint by numbers on how NOT to do Bond. To recap what I stated previously: 1) Start out humanizing Bond by capturing & torturing him, 2) Create a convoluted plot, 3) Bring in a Big Star ( Halle Berry...really?) to relegate Bond to a Supporting character in his own movie, 4) Throw in a building made competely of ice (no hair dryers, please), 5) When written into a corner...create an invisible car. (Looks like someone attended Pablo's Screen Writing school & Taco Emporium) and 6) Top it off with a horrible theme song by Madonna that sounds like your CD is scratched and stuck in the player. Plus CGI abounds. So not what a Bond films should be. It's more like a video game. A bad video game. Bond for the A.D.D. generation. Up until Casino Royale, it was the highest grossing Bond film. Luckily, someone decided it was too over the top.
  

Obvious preferential treatment given to Connery. Such is the case when you are raised on Roger Moore as Bond and later find out that, with all apologies to Carly Simon, Somebody DOES do it better.

So there you have it. Geekdom rejoice! Dance in the streets if you must. If you disagree, fine. It's a point of view. But, you will always know, in your heart of hearts, that I'm right.

.

Or, at least Foghorn is.